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Rafen Knows Best
Topic Started: Oct 30 2015, 03:58 PM (2,020 Views)
LordHippoman
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Hi, I'm LordHippoman. Let me tell you right out. This story is canon.


Rafen Knows Best: A Harrowing Prologue

Sarah Fortune entered her ship’s cabin, legs aching after a long day of pirate hunting. She sunk into the leather chair at her desk and breathed a deep sigh. The sharp knock at the door did little to improve her mood. “Seriously? “ the captain shouted, her voice tinged with exhaustion. “At this time of night? What is it?”

“Rafen here, some important business we need to go over, Captain!”

“Aye, come in.”

Rafen came pushing through the wooden door and turned the knob as he closed it. There was a click as it locked. “Captain...I’m worried about you. You’ve been spending so much time with this Gangplank business, and...well...I just think you’re ignorin’ some important things.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” She splayed her palms open and gestured across her desk, which was full of papers. “All these reports on what’s left of the Corsair King’s crew, and you want to lecture me about ignoring things? I’ve been reading them top to bottom all night!”

“I know, Captain. That’s my point. You’re ignorin’ the whole world out there! There are so many people to meet and see! One-Hundred and Twenty-Seven playable characters, includin’ yourself!”

Miss Fortune raised an eyebrow at the obnoxious fourth-wall breakage. “Rafen...is this going to take a while? I really need to get to bed, and...” She felt an odd sensation on the backs of her legs. She tried to get up, but could not. The chair felt bolted to the floor...which it was. But she also felt bolted to the chair.

“Rafen.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“Why is there glue on my chair?”

“Because, Captain, you need to learn!”

“I swear to the Bearded Lady, I will cut your throat, you insufferable-”

The jolly first mate swept all the papers off of her desk and put down his own, despite the captain’s angry protests. A gallery of portraits of various people, Yordles, and at least one giant eyeball monster. “Let’s get started!”

“RAFEN NO.”

“Well, this fella here is Aatrox. He’s a Darkin. Please don’t ask what those are. It’s a gray area! That’s Ahri. She used to be a fox. Now she throws hearts at people. If you touch them, you fall in love with her. Then she murders you! Just like me ex-wife!”

“Rafen, that doesn’t make any sense, you’re still alive.”

“Akali is a ninja. Watch out for her smoke clouds and her high damage burst! Alistar is a cow. Don’t milk those! Amumu is a sad mummy. He’s so sad. It brings a tear to me eye, Captain.”

“I’m going to bring more than that, you god dam-”

“Anivia is a cryophoenix. She’s got an outdated passive. Everybody can revive nowadays. Annie’s got a pet bear. Don’t let it set ya on fire! Ashe is the Queen of the Freljord! Sorta. There’s this pig lady too. Azir is emperor of Shurima! He yells about it a lot! Bard...moving on! Blitzcrank might grab ya with his big fist! Try and stay out of the way! Brand is made of fire. Watch out for people made of fire. Braum is a very pleasant person! Caitlyn has a silly hat! I want that hat! Captain, do you have a hat?”

“I have a few.”

“Can I have one?”

“No.”

“...Cassiopeia is half snake. Top half, not bottom half. Wait, other way around. Maybe. Cho’gath eats people! Corki drives a helicopter! Why don’t we have a helicopter, Captain? Darius likes to make people bleed profusely, then decapitate them!”

“That’s...pretty horrifying.”

“Diana is obsessed with the moon. She has a great joke. Do you want to hear the joke, captain? You can’t milk those! Oh wait, that’s the cow. Anyway. Dr. Mundo says Mundo a lot. In case he forgets. It’s happened before! Draven is really cool! He says Draven a lot. I don’t think he forgets. Ekko is some kid who resets time! Ekko is some kid who resets time! Ekko is some kid who resets time!”

“Rafen please.”

“Elise can turn into a spider. Good thing you aren’t arachnophobic! Evelynn is...uh...she’s...huh. I uh...I actually have no idea. Ezreal is an asshole. Fiddlesticks can make you run in fear from his scary birds!”

“I am not afraid of birds.”

“Trust me, you are, Captain! Ya just don’t know it! Fiora is a master duelist! Don’t let her poke your glowing yellow spot! You have one, trust me, we all do, but only she can see ‘em! Fizz is a tricky little bugger. He’ll hop over you, then summon a shark outta the damn ground! Galio is made of rocks and he’s really sad. Gangplank is dead!”

“I know, Rafen. Can we get back to that?”

“Garen spins around and screams a lot. Gnar is small. But he’s also big! Gragas is going to die of liver failure! Graves has a big gun! You almost got him killed a while ago! Captain, are you a villain now?”

“It’s...debatable, Rafen.”

“Hecarim is the Shadow of War! You’ll probably never meet him so I’m not even going to bother talking about him. Heimerdinger drops turrets! Watch out for his turrets! Irelia does...something. I really don’t know about her. Janna can shoot tornados! Jarvan has a flag! Jax has a lamp! Jayce has a hammer!”


Miss Fortune began frantically attempting to tip the chair over and crawl to safety.

“Jinx has a lot of guns! More than you! Kalista is a spirit of vengeance! That means she hops around a lot. Karma can put weird clotheslines on you! Karthus likes to sing and it kills things! Kassadin is a master of silences...wait, no, that’s from last year. Kassadin is useless! Katarina can toss knives! Never Google her unless you want some weird shit! Kayle has a helmet! Kennen can turn into a ball of lightning! Don’t try to hug him! Kha’Zix can evolve to shoot more spikes out of his body! Kindred is literally death! Watch out for their marks! Kog’Maw has horrible indigestion! LeBlanc can blink about! Watch out for her clone double! Lee Sin is a blind monk! He can still kick ya in the face, though! Leona has a big shield! Lissandra is definitely not the Ice Witch, I don’t know why this biography says that, that’s dumb. Lulu has a pet fairy! Maybe it’s a pixie. Or a faerie. I don’t know the difference.”

Miss Fortune began regretting all of her life choices, much like the author.

“Lux shoots beams of light out of her baton thing. She has some kinda tragic backstory. At least her parents are alive! Sorry Captain. Malphite is made of rocks but he’s not very sad! Don’t let him punch you! Malzahar won’t shut up about The Noid, he’s into pizza mascots. Maokai’s BARK IS WORSE THAN HIS BITE!”

Miss Fortune tried to protest this pun, but all that came out was defeated gibberish.

“Good one, Captain. Master Yi goes really fast! This is you. You’re you! I’m not you. I’m Rafen. Mordekaiser can’t decide on a title! Morgana is really mad about something. Like you! Nami is from the ocean. Nasus can hit things with his stick, and then his stick hits things harder! Nautilus is also from the ocean! Nidalee is a cat occasionally! Nocturne likes to yell DARKNESSSSS. Nunu is the boy, not the Yeti. Everyone gets that confused. Olaf is an angry guy who has two axes! If he only has one axe, the other one is probably in your body! Orianna is a horrifying robot. Pantheon is a master baker! Also he has a spear. Poppy is incredibly dull! Quinn talks to birds for fun. Rammus is okay. Rek’Sai can tunnel underground!”

Miss Fortune wished that she had blown up Rafen instead of Gangplank.

“Renekton is a scaly fella with a big blade thing. Rengar jumps out of bushes and onto peoples heads, like me grandma Nancy. She’s insane. Riven is an Exile from Noxus. She broke her sword and is too poor to afford a new one. Unlike ol’ Rafen and his authentic Demacian knife that says “Made in Zaun” as a joke! Rumble has a giant robot. He’s compensatin’ for being a short angry hamster man. Ryze is covered in tattoos! I hear he got ‘em in Rune Prison! Sejuani rides a pig around for some reason. Shaco is a clown. He’s not funny though. He killed me Grandma Nancy. To be fair, she jumped out of a bush at him. Shen is another ninja. He doesn’t say much. Shyvana can turn into a dragon! Singed can’t stop poisoning himself! He has a problem! Sion is a crazy blood fueled zombie! He keeps runnin’ into walls! Sivir likes gold. Skarner is a bug!”

Miss Fortune had almost reached the edge of the desk. Maybe if she could reach her pistol, she could shoot the chair...or Rafen.

“Sona can’t talk! Soraka is a goat! Swain has a ridiculous haircut for a man his age. He also has a bird. Syndra has no real story purpose, but she can hit you in the face with giant energy balls! Tahm Kench will put ya in his mouth! It’s gross. Talon’s “cutthroat” is a trick! He actually just kinda steps on your foot. Taric has a big hammer! Watch out for his dazzling radiance, captain! Teemo can go invisible. He might be in this room. Right now! We’d have no idea! Thresh is a hooker! Ahahahaha! Just a little Rafen humor for ya, cap’n.”

Flashes of her parents’ deaths were pleasant daydreams compared to the pain Miss Fortune felt at this endless exposition.

“Tristana shoots at her own feet. It’s a wonder she still has ‘em! Trundle is the Troll King! If he bites ya, you’ll shoot worse bullets somehow. Tryndamere gets real mad and yells at people. Then you can’t kill him! Twisted Fate has three kinds of cards, the Red card has an AOE slow! The Blue card restores mana! The Gold card stuns! Twitch is a sneaky rat with a crossbow. He’ll poison ya! Udyr puts dead animals on his head! It’s kinda gross. Urgot is disgusting. I don’t like lookin’ at him. Varus isn’t wearing any clothes! It makes me uncomfortable. Vayne has silver bolts! Three of them hurt more. Don’t ask me why. Veigar is evil! Stop laughing!”

“Rafen, I am not laughing. That sound is me trying to scrape this chair out the window. I want to die, Rafen.”

“Oh, then you should go meet Vel’koz! He can disintegrate you with his laser beam! Vi has metallic fists! Or they might be gloves. Viktor is a cyborg! That means he’s part machine. Don’t stand in his purple zone! Vladimir can turn into a pool of blood! He also has bad hair. Volibear is a bear that can talk. Amazing, nature is, Cap’n! Warwick is the Blood Hunter. That just means he chases people a lot. Wukong is a monkey. He’s also got a stick. This makes him threatening. Xerath is made of pure energy! You can still shoot him though, don’t worry. Xin Zhao is a master spearfighter. Yasuo yells things in a language nobody else speaks or understands! Yorick is a necromancer, wielding the traditional weapon, a shovel. Zac is made of goop! Avoid his goop jump! Zed is always hidin’ in the shadows! Watch out, cap’n! Ziggs loves bombs. Zilean can toss clocks! And Zyra is a talking plant!”

After a few seconds of blissful silence, Sarah Fortune breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay, Rafen. I know them all now. I learned.”

Rafen’s voice became dire. “No, Cap’n. You haven’t.” Walking up to her, he pulled out a golden pistol. “I got one more thing to teach.”

Fortune’s eyes widened. “Rafen...no. You were a traitor?”

Rafen cackled and pulled at his own face, which slipped off in a comedic fashion, like on one of those old episodes of Scooby Doo. Beneath was a grizzled pirate. “No! It was me, Gangplank!”

“Gangplank!” Miss Fortune hissed, lunging her hands for his neck. “I knew I should have hunted for your carcass!”

Gangplank guffawed as he took a step back, dodging Miss Fortune’s enraged fingers. “Yes, ye should have! And now that I’ve sapped yer strength with me exposition, I’ll blow your head from yer damn shoulders!”

Suddenly, as if by plot convenience, the door opened. “Captain! I’ll help you out! Helping is when you assist someone else with a task!” It was Rafen!

“What!” howled Gangplank, turning with a glare. “I thought I locked that!”

“Ye did, you old scalywag! But Rafen has a key!” Rafen smiled triumphantly as he approached Gangplank. “A key is a metallic instrument used to open locks!”

“I know, you blasted…”

With a windup Rafen issued a devastating punch that sent Gangplank flying through the open door, off the deck and into the sea below. “This is a fist! It’s a way ye hold yer hand! And that’s the ocean! It’s big, and now it’s got one blasted scumbag of a pirate in it!” He closed the door and turned back to the captain. “Are ya alright, Cap’n?”

“I am, Rafen.” Miss Fortune said, smiling. “Thanks for having my back there. Speaking of my back, it is covered in glue. I’m going to need you to go into town and pick up some adhesive remover. Then we’ll celebrate with a glass of Graggy Ice.”

Rafen grinned. “Sounds great, Captain. But before I go...have you ever heard me tell the tale of Bilgewater’s founding?”

Miss Fortune’s face went whiter than a sheet. “Rafen, stop it, I can’t-”

“It all started 300 years ago, when a group of sailors, those are people that sail on the seas…”

The captain’s agonized moans of boredom were truly the scariest thing to ever reach Bilgewater. Far off, in the Black Mist, Karthus heard the sounds. He turned to his ally, Hecarim.

“We should not ride out this year, Hecarim. Things are already far too spooky.”

Fin.
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Endgame125
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Bird Fanatic George
......that WAS AMAZING!
Edited by Endgame125, Oct 30 2015, 04:12 PM.
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JondorHoruku
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The King of Alliteration
All my dreams have been realized
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RaptorAttacks
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Archmage
Better than Jesus.
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Kwon Ri Sae
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Name Changer Extraordinare
Fun read.

Favorite line:
"A key is a metallic instrument used to open locks!"
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rinsujo
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Winter's Claw for Life.
0/10, not enough exposition.

10/10 I haven't laughed that hard in freaking ages. Sorry SK, can I nominate Hippo for head of Factions Lore?
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Sodaman64
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It's My Town Now
Oh
Oh
Oh my
Lord Hippo
You are a god.
A god is a divine been that rules from the sky.
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XalkXolc
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Lightning Ball goes Boom
Oh. Oh man. Oh boy.

My laughing parts hurt. So much.

Rafen. Just...Rafen.
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501st Big Mike
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I reserve the right to be loudly opinionated on subjects I am completely ignorant of

That there is a lore piece written by LordHippoman, one of the best fanfic writers in the league of legends community. He puts riot to shame by creating lore many times better than theirs while only focusing on a background character. His stories can be found in the League Factions forums. League Factions is a community powered gamemode for League of Legends. The League of Legends doesn't really exist, cause of a retcon in riots lore. Riot defines a major retcon as something they do in every lore release.
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ShadowKnight1224
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Every day is Lissandra Appreciation Day
I could not stop laughing throughout it. This was brilliant. :D
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RaptorAttacks
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Archmage
501st Big Mike
Oct 30 2015, 06:18 PM
That there is a lore piece written by LordHippoman, one of the best fanfic writers in the league of legends community. He puts riot to shame by creating lore many times better than theirs while only focusing on a background character. His stories can be found in the League Factions forums. League Factions is a community powered gamemode for League of Legends. The League of Legends doesn't really exist, cause of a retcon in riots lore. Riot defines a major retcon as something they do in every lore release.
That guy there is Mike! He runs games for League Factions! He also really likes Galio!
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BetaDude40
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A particularly tactical and affluent Void-Yordle
Rumor has it that to this day, she's still hearing exposition.
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Crzymstrbkwrm876
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EVERY DAY IS A GOOD DAY TO TORTURE, MAIM, AND DESTROY
ROTFL. I loved this story. 9/10
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XalkXolc
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Lightning Ball goes Boom
Crzymstrbkwrm876
Oct 31 2015, 10:23 AM
ROTFL. I loved this story. 9/10
I think you meant 90/10.
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Crzymstrbkwrm876
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EVERY DAY IS A GOOD DAY TO TORTURE, MAIM, AND DESTROY
No. I wanted more explosions :C
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BetaDude40
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A particularly tactical and affluent Void-Yordle
Crzymstrbkwrm876
Oct 31 2015, 10:31 AM
No. I wanted more explosions :C
"You see this, Cap'n?" Rafen said, holding up a grenade.

Miss Fortune, at this point, is probably in a coma from boredom.

"This is a grenade. It's used to make explosions! Explosions are a rapid increase in volume and a release of energy in an extreme manner, usually with the generation of high temperatures and the release of gases! Supersonic explosions created by high explosives are known as detonations and travel via supersonic shock waves. Subsonic explosions are created by low explosives through a slower burning process known as deflagration! You don't wanna stand in an explosion, savvy Cap'n?"


There's your explosion(s). I quit.
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Damaster00777
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Secretary of Fabulosity
Quitting is a term used to signify when a person is ceasing an action or actions.
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Kaynunot
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Kuronan Estimare, Psionic Psion of House Estimare
Crzymstrbkwrm876
Oct 31 2015, 10:31 AM
No. I wanted more explosions :C
There is no Explosions, only Dakka.
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LordHippoman
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I am both honored and disturbed by all the positive feedback, because while it makes me happy to know people enjoyed this, it also tempts me to write something this dumb again.

I think the Rafen joke is sort of a dead horse now though. A dead horse being a horse that has passed away. "A dead horse" being part of the metaphor "beating a dead horse" which implies doing something when the benefits of it are long past.
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XalkXolc
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Lightning Ball goes Boom
Nonsense. Rafen is not a horse. He's a person! And he's alive. Alive is when you're not dead. Dead is when you're not alive! Rafen is the former.
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