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| Topic Started: May 1 2017, 11:17 PM (184 Views) | |
| XalkXolc | May 1 2017, 11:17 PM Post #1 |
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Lightning Ball goes Boom
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Spoiler: click to toggle
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| Rextreff | Jun 8 2017, 03:44 PM Post #2 |
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Hoy, small fry
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This is ok. The first thing I don't like though is the repetition in the first sentence. I would have liked instead of "cloaked" you could have used draped or covered, but instead repeat the same root which is a bit distracting. The first part is ok and I see no other problems. Something I noticed was that at the beginning of the fourth paragraph, there's a comma that's just a bit annoying, though that's likely my expectation of having such a punctuation having a split in the sentence and the fact there isn't a conjunction there. That weird line though is a bit abrupt and kind of makes me think there's a jump in the narrative. The writing here is good. I enjoyed how you laid mention to the lighting of the office before making dialouge on it. Also something that confused me heavily was it took me several readings to realise the tall man wasn't Janus. I think it should be a bit clearer. "By now, Janus had reached the desk, his eyes boring searing holes into Dante’s unruffled facade as he leaned forward." I think this line is a bit off. It doesn't really have an impact that much. Instead of saying "unruffled facade", I would have liked to see how he looked like, instead of this seemingly subjective description. "For several moments, hardly a muscle moved in the room. Even as Janus continued to stare angrily, Dante adjusted his posture, sitting straighter in the chair." I don't like the first part here, as it appears so far for there to be only two people in the room, which makes it kind of superfluous imo. I do like the villain though. How he just doesn't care and goes around doing his usual job is a good touch that adds character. The foreshadowing bit is nice too. That last line before the break makes me want to see a continuation. The part where Janus says he got the relics is a bit confusing, as I don't see any indication that he stole the codex from Dante which is the first conclusion. There's also no inferred motivation so the last dialouge is a bit random and doesn't seem to fit in the story. This is acceptable story. Edited by Rextreff, Jun 8 2017, 03:44 PM.
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7:15 AM Jul 11