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| The Fangs of Noxus; Lionel's oath to Noxus | |
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| Topic Started: May 5 2017, 11:17 AM (172 Views) | |
| Endgame125 | May 5 2017, 11:17 AM Post #1 |
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Bird Fanatic George
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Lionel splashed some water on his face from the basin in his washroom. He'd been dreading this meeting ever since he knew that it was going to occur. But marrige pacts and all that. Tugging his Summoner's robes into postition he walked out of his room and towards the Noxian quater of the Institute, trying not to catch anyone's eye. Hopefully since he wasn't waering his armour or House Silverbrace colours, he would be less likely to contract a sudden case of axe-in-the-face. Eventually he made it to a door with two guards outside, both dressed in brilliant emerald coloured armour. After being checked for weapons he was allowed admitance to the office. The first thing he saw almost made him gasp out loud. The walls were covered with artifacts from all corners of Runeterra. Plate armour from Noxus and Demacia, religious idols from Bilgewater and Ionia, maps, paintings, weapons, all were in evidence. However, the second thing that he noticed that none of them were polished. None of them displayed a reflective surface. Suddenly a huge shape appeared from an ajacent room. Lionel had obviously seen her on the Fields, but he was unprepared on how huge the snake portion of her body was. She easily towered over him. There was also the almost overpowering scent of perfume, however it wasn't enough to mask the unpleasant reptillian stench. Regardless, Lionel went down on one knee. "Lady Du Couteau." Cassiopia smiled, showing far too much of her fangs for Lionel's liking. "Rise. I believe you've come here about those Piltoverians." "Yes. The Silverbrace Trading Cartel and Clan Arenko have decided to agree to the terms proposed by the Noxian High Command. The ransom of 3,000 crowns will be paid. Half now and half upon the completion of the current dispute. I will also be summoning for Noxus in this dispute." Cassiopia sniffed. "You are aware the release of the five soldiers relys on your own personal impact of the Fields?" Lionel swallowed. "Aye. They were captured as allies of Demacia. It's the least I can do to make sure the last of them can return home." "I heard that Clan Arenko married their daughter to you ensure their release. I wonder how she'll react if you fail." Cassiopia smiles mockingly. "That will not happen." Lionel responded, a slight chill creeping int his voice. "I gave her my word as a Demacian and as a Silverbrace. I will not failer her. Her uncle and his men will return safely to Piltover." Cassiopia stared at him. Just long enough that Lionel was convinced that he was about to be turned to stone. Suddenly she smiled. "That concludes our buisness. I suppose that you need to be going to declare for Noxus now?" Lionel nodded, prespiring slightly. Withut any further words, he made a quick exit from the room. |
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| Rextreff | Jun 8 2017, 04:24 PM Post #2 |
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Hoy, small fry
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"He'd been dreading this meeting ever since he knew that it was going to occur." Ack. I don't like this. This whole line is quite bothering. Instead of saying that he knew it, explain how he knows about it and why he is dreading it. The next line mentioning a marriage pact gives reader the expectation that the meeting is about the marriage which is an extremely large problem. This would also be a great time to give indication to a source of conflict by, for example, showing Lionel's begrudging loyalty to Demacia and doing this because he has to, or out of political necessity. The next sentence looks incomplete, but this is because you forgot a comma. This is a personal chagrin of mine but you only tell what's happening instead of using descriptions and actions for the reader to infer the character's motivation(s) behind those actions. The end here of the first paragraph looks kind of pointless, as no one in their right mind would assault someone in the Institute, and also Lionel is a summoner. He should at least be able to dodge and/or block an attack that comes his way. I would liked instead of emerald coloured you would have just put emerald as it does not leave doubt to the material the armour is, because otherwise they could be wearing emerald coloured leather or stuff like that. You also missed a comma again, and instead of using a comma at the end of that list, I think it should be a semi-colon. This weird two sentence paragraph repeats itself. The part with Cassiopea and Lionel's reaction is ok. The actual discussion of the terms leaves much to confusion. It's never stated specifically or can even be realistically inferred what the ransom is for. I'm also confused as to the point of the marriage. It seems that what Cassiopaea said is that the prisoners would be released if Lionel does a good job on the Fields of Justice, but it's also said that the same thing is the reason for the marriage, and that if he doesn't do well, the prisoner's won't be released, which would make the marriage pointless with the given context. This confusion also brings up the question about what demand the Noxian High Command made, and what Clan Arenko even has to do with it all so the whole thing is just a jumbled, unexplained mess. If you can explain in more detail then this would turn out to be good story I think. Edited by Rextreff, Jun 8 2017, 04:25 PM.
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7:15 AM Jul 11